Hello, everyone! Well, I’ve been putting this off for a year now, but it’s finally time. Over the past few months I’ve realized that I’m a dull and boring person, riddled with problems and flaws and rickets and probably some other things, which is why I’m preparing to do a complete overhaul as we head into 2020. Most people are going to make small changes, but my philosophy has always been “Go big, or go home!”
So, in honor of a tradition that most of us hate and few of us actually stick to, here’s what I’m planning to do in 2020. But don’t be too surprised if I don’t accomplish most of these.
Run a Marathon – in 26 Days!
Running 26 miles all at once sounds crazy. So I’m going to run one mile every day for 26 days. Or maybe every other day for 52 days. Or maybe once a week for six months. I haven’t decided yet. But I’ll get it done, mark my words!
Stop Smoking!
I can’t tell you how many clothes I’ve ruined by setting them on fire, and it’s becoming a really expensive habit. I need to quit. I know they make smokeless candles; does anyone know where I could get some smokeless clothes?
Lose Weight!
Let’s face it, there is a lot of redundancy in the human body. I’ve got two lungs, two kidneys, two eyeballs, way more brain than I actually use, two feet, and the list goes on. Do I really need all of that? I don’t think so. And now I won’t have to waste time going to the gym!
Read More!
I’m going to begin by reading all of the ‘Terms of Use’ agreements that I normally click through. Then I think I’ll read every owner’s manual for everything I buy. And then I think I’ll opt for illiteracy.
Run For President!
Everyone else seems to be doing that, so why not me? I think my signature issue is going to be “Form Reform.” We all know that filling out forms is boring and frustrating, so I’m going to streamline that process so that we can all just get whatever we want without having to bother with paperwork.
Win the Lottery!
This one is more of a ‘wish’ than a ‘resolution,’ but it would help if I were to start playing the lottery. I’m not sure I want to become a hard-core gambler, though, so I’m just going to buy one number at a time. Come on, 14!
Learn a New Language!
This will be much easier than you think, because I’m going to invent the language myself – which means I’m already fluent! Soooooo much faster than Rosetta Stone! It shall be called Borkenstorkian, and every word will end in -oingy. Toingy bagoingy schmoingy doingy?
Grow Four Inches!
I’m tired of being the shortest of my three brothers, and I look silly in platform shoes. Only one solution, then. Does anyone have one of those medieval person-stretcher things?
Adopt a Highway!
I’m going to adopt I-80, and then I’m going to move it to New Mexico. I think the change in scenery will do it some good.
