How to Dress Like a Complete and Utter Failure!

Hello peoples!  I am writing to you today from my living room.  I’m wearing frayed slippers, plaid flannel pajama pants, the same T-shirt I was wearing yesterday (and which spent the night crumpled up on the floor beside my bed), and a plaid flannel shirt over top of that.  Do my two plaids match?  Not even close.  Have I combed my hair?  I could lie to you and say yes, but the stupid poof on the side of my head would convince you otherwise.  Do I smell appealing?  I don’t know, because after a while you kind of get used to your own scent, but I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the answer is a big negative, ghost rider.

However, I am alone, and thus it doesn’t really matter how I look.  But you probably aren’t alone.  You work with others.  And as an homage to the atrocity that is my current wardrobe, I’d like to share a few fashion tips that will convince your colleagues that you are only marginally interested in your job.

Houseshoes! – When I grew up, these were called ‘slippers,’ but apparently ‘houseshoes’ is an attempt to make them sound more like actual shoes.  Except – spoiler alert coming – they’re not!  They’re not even close!  While houseshoes are perfect for making a late night grocery run or letting the dog out in the morning when you’re still half-asleep and bumping into the corners of furniture you’ve had for ten years, they’re slightly less than professional.

Plaid flannel shorts!  I miss college, too.

Spaghetti straps! – This one saddens me to write, because I love spaghetti straps.  And tiny skirts, and exposed thong straps (personal favorite!).  I see them all the time at the bars, or the dance club, or at house parties where people throw ping pong balls into cups full of the worst beer imaginable.  Which is where I’ll assume you’re coming from if that’s what you’re wearing to work.

“But hey!” you’re thinking.  “That’s not fair!  You can’t judge a book by its cover.”

To which I say – yes I can.  And I do.  I’ve purchased plenty of books and CDs based primarily on the cover art.  And whether it’s fair or not to do so, every single one of us does.  Welcome to the world!

Now, if you’ll excuse me, my current aesthetic is beginning to offend my sensibilities, and that is saying something indeed.  I look like an unemployed court jester.  Hidey ho!