Usually people try to encourage you to be ethical because it’s ‘the right thing to do’ or ‘you’ll sleep well at night.’ But I also think I’d sleep well on a 200-foot pleasure yacht that I bought with all the money I stole in a diamond heist. So I don’t think those are particularly good reasons to be ethical.
However, many would-be diamond heisters get caught, and then they have to go to court. And avoiding court is definitely a good reason to stay on the straight and narrow. So in the hopes that I can steer you in the direction of honor and moral rectitude, here are 6 reasons that being a good person is way better than spending a few weeks in court.
Courtrooms Smell Musty – Most of them were built in the 1800s, and even if they weren’t the furniture has been sat on by a lot of unwashed people. Because they don’t make you take a shower before you go into court. Think about that.
Lawyers Can Talk Forever – Lawyers in Britain used to get paid by the word, which is why so many contracts and laws are hilariously overworded and redundant. But now I think they get paid by the breath, or the blink, or I don’t really know. I just know they talk a lot, and they use a lot of boring words like “fiduciary” and “guilty” and “prison” and other stuff.
Judges Never Smile – You ever see a happy judge? Me either. Spending too much time with them will totally kill your buzz.
That Courtroom Artist Is Going to Make You Look Dumb – I’m not saying they’re not good artists. They’re a lot better than I am, that’s for sure. But I’ve never looked a caricature of myself and thought, “Wow, they totally captured my giant chin and tiny, beady eyeballs!”
Orange is Not a Flattering Color on Anyone – That’s why they make prisoners wear it. Couple that with the courtroom artist’s penchant for caricature, and I’ll end up looking like a blobby orange balloon. And that is not how I want the world to remember me.
You Have to Stand Up When They Tell You To – How wicked is that? When you go to the doctor and they give you bad news, they always tell you to sit down. But in court it’s like, “Hey, buddy, we’re going to decide your future here in a second, so please stand up so we can all watch you try not to faint.” I deserve better treatment, thank you!
So there. You can be good because it’s the right thing to do, or you can be good because courtrooms are super lame. They can also eat up an enormous amount of your life – from 22 to 41 weeks to be exact, according to the British government. And since the average court case costs anywhere between $18,000 to $1.1 million depending on who you ask, they can also steal all of your money too!
But don’t let those facts dissuade you from doing what you want to do. Give that diamond heist a try and see how it goes. Just remember to give me little something for giving you the idea if it ends up working out. If not, though, please remember to forget that you read this. Thanks!
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