The holidays are coming, which means you are probably about to argue with some of your relatives. I say that with confidence, because all of us are always only about two or three sentences away from a possible argument with somebody – family, friends, colleagues, the slow person in front of you at the stoplight, political pundits on a television who can’t hear you but still manage to annoy you with their crazy ideas – you get the point. Potential arguments are everywhere.
Fortunately, most of those arguments can be defused before they burn out of control – or stopped before they even start – by simply adopting what is known as a solution mindset.
Having a solution mindset means that you are focused on finding a solution to the problem, rather than focusing all of your energy on being right or getting angry when things don’t seem to be going your way. Focusing on solutions has a tendency to remove a lot of the emotion from the conflict, which is enormously beneficial in de-escalating the situation. And while every conflict is its own special snowflake, the process of employing a solution mindset is fairly universal.
First up, apologize and accept responsibility if applicable. The ‘if applicable’ is important here. Apologizing does not always mean admitting that you’ve done something wrong. There is a difference between saying, “I’m sorry that you’re upset,” and “I’m sorry for upsetting you.” Saying “I’m sorry” for anything at all is a great way to turn the temperature down.
Let’s say, for example, that you and a colleague disagree about how a certain project should be progressing. You can always say, “You know, Chad, you’re a moron, and I don’t understand why you can’t see the wisdom of my approach.” But that’s not likely to lead to a harmonious conclusion. So instead, start the conversation with something like, “You know, Chad, you and I do not seem to be seeing eye to eye on this. I’m sorry that we’re in this position, I’m not enjoying it any more than you are. Let’s see what we can do.” This option is enormously more likely to lead to a civil discussion, rather than a shouting match.
But framing the situation well can’t solve the problem by itself, nor does it allow you to say what you really want to say. Which is why the next step is to listen attentively. You can’t find good solutions to problems when you don’t know what the problems are.
“But wait!” you might be thinking. “I still haven’t gotten to say anything yet? When’s it my turn?”
Don’t worry, it’s coming. But in all fairness, you can’t really know what you should say until you know what issue(s) you’re actually up against. So let the other person talk. Let Chad complain about unreasonable deadlines or the problems of your approach or whatever it is that he sees as the cause of the impasse. Once you know where he stands, you’ll know how best to respond.
Which leads us to the final step – focus on finding a solution. In our hypothetical scenario, the goal is to move your project forward successfully, not to “get your way” or “put Chad in his place.” So keep your comments focused on that goal. If Chad brought up some valid objections to your ideas, acknowledge them and talk through some alternatives. If you disagree with his opinions, say so – but do it without sarcasm, condescension, or any attack on his character or intelligence. You can object to a person’s ideas without criticizing the person.
“But wait!” you might be thinking. “What if the other person attacks me?”
That might happen – and if it does, you should redirect the conversation immediately. “Listen, Chad, I am not attacking you, and there is no need for you to make this personal. We disagree about the best way forward here. So let’s focus on figuring out how we can get on the same page, OK? That’s all I’m focused on.”
By apologizing for the situation, listening openly to your conversation partner, and focusing on finding a solution to the issue, you’ll find yourself in fewer and less contentious arguments than ever before.
“But wait!” you might be thinking. “This article is titled, ‘How to Win Your Next Argument.’ But you didn’t show me how to win. You showed me how to turn a possible argument into a civil conversation.”
Exactly.
Adapted from our Conflict De-Escalation course on developing a Solution Mindset.
