Welcome to summer! At least I hope it’s summer where you are. So far pretty much every day of my summer has involved a 50% chance of rain, and it’s rained 90% of the time, which means that meteorologists are really bad at math. I’ve been forced to mow my grass twice a week, which I’m not sure why I bother doing because my dog has turned our yard into what looks like a training facility for grenade launching practice. However, I like having an excuse to go outside, and since I can’t just wander over to a friend’s house anymore and see if they want to play, I have to settle on lawn mowing. Adulthood is disappointing.
But it doesn’t have to be. Summer is the season of travel, a tradition established long ago as people decided they were sick of being rained on and wanted to go somewhere nice and warm and dry. Initially our ancestors walked everywhere; however, walking is a very slow way to get places, so they eventually all got eaten by predators. That’s why we invented 87 different modes of transportation, each with its own particular advantage. I travel for a living, and here are some of my favorite ways to get where I need to go:
Car Travel
This has allowed me to see some of the world’s most beloved truck stops and fast food restaurants. It has also provided me endless hours of free entertainment as I curse at orange traffic barrels, which so far have refused to curse back at me. I am, however, fairly confident that driving is a low-energy form of transportation, since I have often realized after twenty minutes of driving that I have no recollection of the last twenty minutes. If you are on the road with me, please beware.
Small Plane Travel
This is perfect if your idea of travel involves throwing up a lot. My dad had his pilot’s license when I was a kid, and he would occasionally fly us from our home in Illinois to Madison or Minneapolis. He was fond of doing “roller coasters,” which was basically pushing the plane up a couple hundred feet and then bringing it back down again. This never, ever failed to scare the crap out of me. Also, in my experience small planes are often large enough to fit the pilot, a limbless person, and 2 very small kittens.
Train Travel
This is my favorite way to travel and is ideal if you are either European or a piece of coal. Trains allow you to rest, relax, see the countryside, and also combat potential terrorists on the roof; this last is only possible, however, right before the train goes into a tunnel. Trains are wonderfully relaxing and should go more places than they do. If I could get to all of my jobs by train I would do it in a heartbeat.
Boat Travel
I’ve been on a few cruise ships, and they are perfect if you have nowhere in particular that you really want to go. The typical boat is made out of alcohol, which explains why boats float so effectively on water. (The average cruise passenger, by the way, spends more on alcohol than on the cruise ticket itself.)
Submarine Travel
Never done it. If you have a submarine, please let me know. I would like to borrow it.
Helicopter Travel
Yes, I’ve taken one helicopter ride. They are much smoother than you think they would be; my trip had exactly zero turbulence. I asked the pilot if I could dangle from the helicopter while holding a loved one with my free hand while being chased by heavily-armed enemies, but he said no. Some people have no sense of fun.
The point is, there are plenty of ways to get from where you are to where you want to go – both literally and figuratively. However, right now we’re hard up against a holiday weekend, so let’s ignore the metaphors and stick with reality. So do yourself a favor – pick your favorite method of transportation and go someplace amazing! I don’t really care how you get where you go. But please make sure to enjoy it, and have fun exploding some fireworks!
And if you missed it, check out my 5 favorite summer travel destinations you may not have considered!
