How to Write a Resume (That Will End Up In the Reject Pile!)

So, you’re writing a resume.  I feel sad for you.  As a former resume writer myself, I know how crappy your day is going.  I also know you probably don’t even really want the job you’re applying for.  You’re only doing it to get your friends and family off your back.  In fact, after almost 35 years on the planet, those are pretty much the only two universal truths I’ve been able to discover.  One, resume writing is ridiculously boring.  And two, working is way less fun than playing basketball, or running in circles, or eating kumquats, or pretty much anything else that isn’t working.

So, here are a few things you can do to your resume that will spice up the experience and guarantee that you don’t get the job you’re applying for.  But you’ll be able to say you tried, so at least that should placate everyone who thinks you should be contributing to society.  Enjoy!

Use a Funny Email Address!  Thousands of people do this every year, and none of them ever gets an interview.  I don’t know why, since personally I am enormously curious about the problem-solving abilities of vampirebunny284@hotmail.com, and I think we can all agree that thedudeabides@sbcglobal.net would be super cool to hang out with.  But for some silly reason, employers don’t seem to think that people like this should be taken seriously.  Maybe it’s because it takes approximately 8 seconds to create a semi-professional email address, and employers are looking for people who are willing to put 8 seconds of effort into things.  I don’t really know.  All I know is that if it were to come down to a competition between Samantha.greeley@gmail.com or purpleprincessponypower@gmail.com, I’m putting my money on Samantha landing the job.

Include Long, Inexplicable Gaps in Your Employment History!  It’s one thing to take a year off to travel, which you can explain in the interview as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity that gave you a unique global perspective and taught you the importance of living on a budget.  It’s also one thing to conveniently ignore a two-month train wreck of a job and simply leave it off of your resume.  Those things shouldn’t hurt you.  Which is why your resume should include massive gaps in your employment history that defy all rational explanations.  A smart person would tailor their resume to include only their most recent employment and ignore the gaping holes that preceded it – but you should show people that you’re really more of a semi-homeless vagabond for whom stable employment is a barely-tolerable burden!

Use Decorative Paper with Fancy Sparkly Fonts and Things!  This is perfect for scrapbooking aficionados, pre-teen girls, and you!  Standard fonts are boring and serious, and who doesn’t love squiggles and starbursts?  (The answer to that, by the way, is “hiring managers”.)  Now I realize you’re probably submitting your resume online, which means you’ll have to do this all digitally.  But that gives you a bonus possibility – picking a font that doesn’t exist in your prospective employer’s computer system!   I’ve always thought that resume writing workshops would benefit greatly from studying the world of abstract modern art, and now you can make that happen with a resume filled with incomprehensible swirly thingies!

I hope that helps.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some pastries to make.  Enjoy, and good luck!

(I wrote that last bit in Slackey!  Isn’t it captivating?)